Monday, April 1, 2013

For my friend.

I have not written anything in a long time. This has been about time--commitments, school (mine and the kids'), the remodel, the side business, life, and disinterest. I've been disinterested and disenchanted in blogging since my eyes were opened to how absorbed I had become in a life inside a computer instead of a life in which one actually rolled up one's sleeves and got one's hands dirty.  I credit my husband for finally dropping the hammer on me and forcing me to put down my iphone.

I spent three years without an iphone and I think it helped me a lot.  Being less tethered was a great thing for me, but I will admit that I lost touch of some people who had been really important to me for a long time.  I will also admit that my new found freedom from writing and reading blogs all the live-long day made me somewhat smug and superior acting.  I was so enthralled with THE WORLD and FACE to FACE relationships that I just couldn't imagine what everyone else was still doing blogging, advertising their posts, schmoozing for re-tweets about their posts, etc... In fact, I still think it's pretty silly, but that's because I'm interested in you and your feelings in REAL TIME rather than in some pithy prose that you've written in order to describe your feelings.  Oh! The feelings!

What is my point? Well, it's that there are very few people who I can think of that have gone the distance with me. From 2006 when I was deep in the belly of the proverbial pain body through separation and eventual divorce, and in the in between times all the way to the present there are less than a handful of people who I can think of that had contact with me probably every day.  It could have been just a check-in, to share a joke or it could have been something big like heartache or loss.  Right now, one of those "less than a handful" people is really on my heart. Dawn is moving toward the end of her life right now. As I sit here and bite my tongue to choke back tears and remember what I wanted to say, all I can think is that this sweet, kind woman has done so much for me--maybe more than she can ever know.

She has been the person who I emailed, texted or tweeted with almost every day since 2006.  Dawn is the person who I'd roll my eyes over for always being positive while I served up my trademark piss and vinegar. She's a person who I believe could almost be mistaken for being naive, but a closer look would tell you that she's resolute and pragmatic.  Dawn knows what real problems are, and she would never minimize yours, but she might quietly just tell you it would be okay even if you were screaming in your own mind that it NEVER. WOULD. BE. OKAY.  She won't tell you to shut up---she'll tell you to tell her "something good." She'll implore you to be #moarhappyer, and I promise that by indulging her and coming up with something worthy of that hashtag, you will have your spirits lifted.

I always said that Dawn and her husband, Mike, have the most enviable of online relationships. In fact, I don't know another couple who peacefully coexist on Twitter.  They tease, exchange silly comments and check on each other throughout the day where most couples would be passive aggressively wondering "WHO LEFT THE TOILET SEAT UP AGAIN #husband."  They're a good team.  It's easy to be friends with both of them because though they have separate voices, their messages are essentially unified.

{Again, my point? I'm rambling, I know. I have a million tear soaked thoughts that I want to express right now.}

I think I just want to say that Dawn is kindness, and by saying how she has affected me I mean it to convey her goodness.  The long lasting effects of someone who you've never met face to face are surprisingly powerful.  It's the blessing of this digital age: When we feel so jaded by the real life relationships that sour there is this wonderful, redeeming group in the ether that lifts you up if you so choose to partake of it.

So, I will compulsively check Twitter and Facebook for updates. I toy with sending her just one more text message to say I love her.  I may have minutes of utter paralysis in which I don't know which end is up because of the grief I feel.  But, I would be foolish if I didn't harness what I imagine Dawn would be asking us to do right now. That's to be #moarhappyer---to find more reasons to feel happy than to feel sad.  Failing the ability to truly be happy right now, it might be worth exploring what it means to be #moarkinder or #moargentler or even #moarstronger.

Also, please consider a gift in Dawn's honor through the Melanoma Research Foundation.


26 comments:

  1. Yes. Yes. Yes.

    Tears shared with you, Liv.

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  2. Even if I am still blogging. Heh.

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  3. The #moarhappyer hashtag makes me smile. It's something to aspire to: to think of reasons to be happy, to smile, to be glad and grateful every day. What a beautiful tribute to your friend.

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    1. Nicole, Thanks for your beautiful post. It means the world to me! Namaste!

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  4. Very sweet. Very sad. Very appropriate on both counts.

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    1. Thanks for stopping by. She was a good egg.

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  5. "The long lasting effects of someone who you've never met face to face are surprisingly powerful. " Yes. This is so very sad. Really glad you wrote your thoughts here. xoxox

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    1. Even an old, gray mare will roll over and eat some new grass here and there. It had to be said. xoxo

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    1. Yes...Dawn was one of the good ones. xo

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  7. On top of #moarhappyer, i love #moarstronger - i am impulsively weak without knowing it.

    lovely thoughts Liv.

    I'm sorry.

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  8. This! Yes! All of the feelings I'm having all summed up here. I had a lovelier comment written but it was eaten so... Thank you. You and Dawn are on my short list of favorite people, both online and off. xoxo

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    1. I'm so glad to know you. We had a good time on these internets, the three of us. xo

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  9. (Also, Mrs. Chicky? You know who I mean. ;))

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  10. Dawn is my cousin. The closest cousin I have - we grew up far apart in miles, but close in friendship. You are spot on with your account of her and it makes me "moarhappyer" just knowing how much she means to you too. My sister, cousins and I all flew/drove to MI from out of state to see her on Saturday. Saying goodbye was by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I realized that by us being there and showing her how much we care and how loved she is, put a smile on her face. I am not sure I will ever understand why she's being taken to heaven so soon,but I do know that we'll all have the most amazing guardian angel watching over us when that time comes.

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    1. Hugs to you and your sister, she always speaks so fondly of you both, I can only imagine how difficult this is for you both and the rest of your family. Love and hugs, Sunshine

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    2. Thank you for reading this and responding. It's a wonderful thing that your family has shared this special, special person with all of us "pretend" friends. Wishing you peace and comfort in this most difficult time.

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  11. Thanks for this. Really. I will always be #moar- everything because of Dawn. I thought I was an optimist, but she encouraged looking at what really counts, what really makes you happy...the big things like family or the little things like a coke slushie. I will forever be thankful that Dawn is in my life and that so many people whether they met her in person or not, know what a wonderful human being she is.

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  12. "She won't tell you to shut up---she'll tell you to tell her 'something good."'

    Oh, yes: this IS Dawn.

    I'm so very sorry for your loss. <3

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    1. Thanks for posting, and thanks for your touching post as well.

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  13. Without blogging, I would never have met you. I would never have heard this story, or been able to share in your love of your friend, or been able to send all of my good wishes and comforting energy to you.

    I hold you in my light.

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    1. Oh, you. Thanks for your beautiful response. I'm proud to know you.

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  14. I saw something on FB the other day, I think, about Dawn, and I didn't really know or understand who she was. For that reason, I'm very glad for the option of blogging, which allows fuller expression of thought and feeling that tweets and updates.

    Because a blog post? Can do someone justice. Can touch the audience.

    As you've proven here.

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